She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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