So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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