I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
