i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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