Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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