He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
