im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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