I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
