Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
