i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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