our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize