A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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