i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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