I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
