just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
