i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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