You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
