life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
