How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
