So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
