I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize