My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
