So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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