She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
