in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
