My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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