My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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