I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
