Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Every concussion has its silver lining
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
