i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
