I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He had one of those small greek statue penises
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
