woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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