So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
