Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
