Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
NoShamevember. You game?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
