There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
