There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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