Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
