Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
