Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
