tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
