Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just had sex bonerless
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
