I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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