miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
