He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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