Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
