This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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