You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
