I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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