I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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