He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Green mimosas i think yes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize