I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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