I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
