dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize