see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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