i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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