It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
