i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
