I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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