he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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