Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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