Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
