She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
