wanna go halves on a baby?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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