I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
